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n o t e # 0 6 - f i r s t s t e p

that dream i had about three months ago. i saw it again last night. this is it. the time has come to make a first step.

there was a call in that dream again. i picked up the phone and they said what seemed like a wild happy expression when you play hide-and-seek and a friend finally finds you. it also sounded like a song. it was, to say better... weird. unnerving. i wanted to jump of joy and scream in horror at the same time. gladly enough, i woke up the moment the voice in the phone screeched my name.

i opened my eyes, it was still the middle of the night. tv didn't work and was all white and noizy. i had to sit down on the sofa with a cigarette in my fingers and wait for the morning, to start what i planned all this time.

i hope you won't blame me for this. but i don't have another choice.

08.01.21 / 23:58

n o t e # 0 5 - t i r e d

i'm getting gradually tired of people sometimes. that's the case for the last couple of days. they start to make me angry, they disgust me with their behaviors, words, actions, even their existance. not all of them, but a lot of them. they are usually those people that aren't even close to me. random people, some of them i know, some - never ever met before and probably won't.

in moments like this i always try to isolate myself from these people, from the major part of community. not totally, of course, but i try to at least not look at/for them, not contact them. i close myself behing this bubble, i trap myself inside of me. try to generate some songs with white noise of my brain. get in touch with my feelings. i turn the self-destruction mechanisms, put myself into a risk of becoming a moral prisoner.

it's stupid. but at least i have you, even if you don't see me.

02.12.20 / 3:22

n o t e # 0 4 - i m a g e

image matters. that's what i was thinking about today. a lot of my projects began not as an idea of "why" or "what" should i say. even though the initial mood was always there for sure, yes. but i was always inspired and moved by the image. a vision of things, how they should look. in the beginning it's just a symbolism without any meaning. something that i could feel, but not necessary explain why it's like that and why it represents the mood and concept i want to explore.

some could say it's stupid. at some extent i agree. but what is a glass bottle without any liquid inside of it? just an empty object. but we can fill it with suitable stuff later. same with image, with vision. i can come up with a vision and fill it with ideas and thoughts and meaning any time. that's why i am human.

you are human too and that's why i love you.

08.11.20 / 16:14

n o t e # 0 3 - u p c o m i n g

today was cloudy and grey and rainy, and i was thinking about time. i was thinking about past and about future. i was trying to figure if there are more differences between them aside from words and dates. because thoughts and actions in this world are all still seem to be the same. they didn't get old and they probably never will. the upcoming events will repeat themselves. in the end i figured it all depends on what side you prefer to be with.

when it comes to me - i stand by my side. i seek for beauty in something that is covered in dust of ages and rust of time. relics and memories of something that is lost, hazy, blurry, washed out, torn and almost forgotten. the key word is almost. because if something is forgotten completely, then it just doesn't exist, and never did.

what is your side?

07.11.20 / 21:01

n o t e # 0 2 - i n s p i r i a

the more i think about the whole thing i'm going to make, the more blurry i actually see it. it is not my first attempt. that's for sure. it's been a long journey for more than 10 years. i tried and tried and tried again. i am not going to lie - i am not sure if it's going to work as planned this time again. but i want to make first steps into that direction, because you inspired me. even if i fail again, i want to thank you.

07.11.20 / 3:53

n o t e # 0 1 - w o r d

i was thinking about what should i write here for half an hour and decided to not do it and stop. this text is enough for you to know that i am here.

06.11.20 / 23:32